Empathy

Using empathy sometimes fosters good relationships between people as illustrated by the following conversation I had:

Twenty weeks after submitting a booklet for copyright registration, I, Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D., phoned the United States Copyright Office.

When the Information Specialist picked up the phone, I complained, "It's been 20 weeks since I sent in my application and I have not received my certificate. Your information sheet said it would not take longer than 16 weeks."

She replied, "We've had a large increase in the number of applications in the last year."

"When am I going to get my certificate?" I said in a voice tone that had changed from neutral to irritated.

"Any day now," she said in a voice tone that had changed from businesslike to defensive.

DOWN TO LINKS

Switching to Empathy oooooooo

I was annoyed and about to say something such as "When a well-run business gets a significant and enduring work overload, they hire more staff." Then I calmed down enough to realize that making this statement would probably accomplish nothing except create ill will. I decided to use empathy by viewing her work situation from her viewpoint.

I then said, "When will our Congress vote to increase your office's budget so more staff can be hired? They shouldn't expect you people to process all of the extra applications in the same time as before."

My empathy had a magical effect. The Information Specialist's voice suddenly changed from tense to relaxed, and she said, "That would be wonderful." Then she began to tell me about the stresses she and her coworkers endured because of their increased workload. Two minutes later, we concluded our discussion on a friendly note.

A week later, as she had predicted, I received my certificate of registration.

Empathy During Disagreements oooooooo

Let us apply the point of this example to other relationships. If I have a disagreement with my wife or a friend and respond as I had with the Copyright Office worker, it is not difficult to imagine that the result might be a strengthening of emotional intimacy instead of an escalation to a battle.

MORE INFO: For more information about the use of empathy in conversations, visit my other websites by clicking on the links below.

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My Other Websites on Empathy

Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a six-page website which includes more information about the use of empathy in conversations.

Listening Skills Professionals Listen Empathically -1 explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist.

Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc.